Project FREAK
by IDA Official
Summary: Weird things happen in the RED vs. BLU war, but nothing like this. When the Mann Bros. recieve documents suggesting a "special" cloning program from a mysterious source, things change on great scale for the mercs. Freaky stuff will happen A Freak has entered the fray. All TF2 Freaks are properties of their creators, and Team Fortress 2 is the property of VALVe and Gaben Newell.
1. Chapter 1

**Unlisted Mann Co. Headquarters**

It had been so many years since the RED and BLU corporations went to a war for a cause long since forgotten, even by the two elderly men responsible. When the bloodshed grew to great levels, there was a meeting staged between two very powerful men. It would be an uneasy state of affairs, being they had been at war for so long. In a dimly lit room, furnished with only a round table, chairs, and walls of television screens, there sat two old figures. One was wearing a blue suit attached to a large life-sustaining machine, the other donning a red suit while clutching a glowing golden bar.

"It has been too long, Blutarch." Said the red suited man.

"Yes it has, Redmond." The blue suited man replied.

"We've been at this for so many years," Redmond stated. "And all for fighting for our dearly departed father's will."

"And even after witnessing death after death by these nine disgruntled mercenaries," Blutarch rasped. "We've all but lost interest in this idle conflict."

"We've given them new guns, blades, machines, tasks, and hats!" Redmond paused for a bit. "Come to think of it, whose idiotic idea was it to allow Mann Co. to sell damn hats to mercenaries?" After a long pause of thought, both the brothers sighed in unison.

"Saxton Hale…." The Australian Chuck Norris superior had been running Mann Co. with his numerous crazed ideas that somehow make the RED vs. BLU battles more entertaining.

"Beside the point," Blutarch interjected. "We need something to keep things lively, until we come to an agreement on this affair."

"We won't leave this room until we've come to a conclusion, right brother?" No response. "Blutarch?" Redmond glanced at the machinery hooked up to his brother, and saw the heart rate monitor had stopped. Redmond pulled out his pocket watch and waited about fifteen seconds before the shock jolt revived the still corpse. Lightening surged as Blutarch screamed.

"Dad says 'hi'." He joked after recovering from the shock. "And how are we going to come up with anything, for we are aged men who still can't decide on who gets what after a century of war!"

"Allow me to help." Said a mysterious man with an English accent. The Mann brothers turned and saw a peculiar man standing by the door. He was wearing a complete black suit, had a wide brimmed black hat, black gloves, a black cape, a red tie with the initials "_**ZS**_" embedded, a thick black beard/mustache, and an eye-patch over his left eye.

"How the hell did you get in?!" Blutarch shouted.

"This is a secure, unlisted location." Redmond roared.

"Let me be the answer to your problems gentlemen." The man said. He stepped to the table and placed nine files onto the table, each with an individual picture of the mercenaries on them.

"Why do you have info on our mercenaries?" Both brothers queried.

"Let me ask you both a question," the man said. "Do the Respawners carry the DNA of all the classes to use them?" Both the Mann brothers looked at each other, thinking that it was bizarre the man was asking the most obvious question in the world.

"How do you think we get complete reconstruction of their bodies?" Redmond snorted.

"Then I have the perfect solution." The man pulled out a tenth file and tossed it to Blutarch. "Let's consider it a bit of a _freaky_ cloning experiment." After skimming through the file, a wide grin spread across the withered Blutarch's face.

"Get a load of this, Red-boy." He slid the file to Redmond, who carefully read through the contents of the file. A smile quickly cracked across Redmond's aged face.

"This might be crazy enough…" Redmond started.

"To just might work." Blutarch finished. Both men turned to the mysterious man, and began thanking him.

"Think nothing of it." The man casually walked to the door, exiting the room to the brother's privacy. Aside from him sticking his head back in for one last note. "Oh, and you two should probably think of who your next of kin shall be." The man left, and Redmond pressed the intercom button.

"Yes?" asked the crabby voice of the Administrator. "What do you two want?"

"Recalibrate the Respawners to send genetically altered DNA to the laboratories." Redmond ordered. "We've got something special planned."

"Yeah, whatever." The Administrator left to order Miss Pauling to change the Respawners. The two bothers glanced happy faces at each other, as if there were no consequences to their freaky devices.


	2. Chapter 2

**2Fort, RED Base**

The day seemed pretty good for RED team so far. They had a 2-0 intelligence capture lead, the base was fortified, BLU was disorganized, and the battle strove to be a walk in the park. Scout was sitting in the 2nd floor balcony by the exterior intelligence door, calmly drinking a can of _Atomic BONK_ and tossing his baseball. Demoman was drunk in the primary Respawn room, fallen asleep atop a bench. Engineer was calmly strumming his guitar in the intelligence room, his feet propped up against his Dispenser, while his level-3 Sentry scanned the room. Heavy was eating his _sandvich_ in the sewers, while the Medic paced back and forth around the dual entrances. The other mercs were still on alert, just waiting for the tide to turn. Sniper was stationed at the balcony, his rifle constantly checking the doors. Soldier and Pyro were patrolling the lower floors. As for Spy, nobody had seen him since things were quiet.

"Will ya bozos just give it a rest already?" Scout said as Soldier stepped off the catwalk. "Sit down and relax, pally." Soldier only growled as he continued to walk onward.

"This laziness will be the death of this team…" He muttered.

"Mph mmph mmmmph." Pyro mumbled through his gas-mask. Meanwhile, at the balcony where Sniper stood, he saw something run on the balcony of BLU base. It was a Scout, and following him was a Heavy, a Medic, a Soldier, and a Demoman. The enemy was mobilizing!

"Oi, we've got incoming!" Sniper shouted. As this alert echoed through the base, everyone got to battle stations, even Demoman managed to sober up to some level. As the BLU mercs were running across the bridge, Pyro was hiding behind the doorways, waiting to fry more victims. For some bizarre reason, the BLUs stopped near the door, and the Heavy stepped forward.

"Tiny baby RED team!" He shouted. "We will give you one chance to hand over your little briefcase, or I will promise you, PAIN WITHOUT END!" Sniper, Soldier, and Scout looked at each other in disbelief. Were they really that desperate to negotiate?

"Talk does not have a place on the battle field, Commy!" Soldier retaliated. "Now prepare for this American boot to kick your ass back to Russia!" As both sides prepared to open fire on each other, the Heavy fell over, a knife wedged in his back. The BLUs turned to see that the Medic with them was a RED Spy!

"You sloggy simpleton!" Spy insulted the now dead Heavy. After retrieving his knife, he easily slaughtered the rest of the mercenaries, save for the Scout who dove into the water.

"Nice job, mate!" praised Sniper. This little party was short lived, when things popped up on the Kill Feed. A BLU Spy and the Scout from earlier had just killed Heavy, Medic, and Pyro.

"I need some doggone help!" shouted Engineer. The surviving classes raced to the Intelligence room, but they were too late. In addition to seeing the destroyed scraps of metal, and Engineer's bullet riddled body, the Administrator announced over the speaker.

"The enemy has captured our intelligence!" She barked. "Get it back!" After the killed mercs respawned, they quickly came up with a plan that went something like this: Demoman would hide sticky bombs behind the desk where the briefcase is. Engineer was to build a sentry near the primary entrance. Pyro would hide on the second landing where the roof grate was, so an ambush would happen if necessary. Scout would run across the bridge roof to distract the BLUs while Soldier, Heavy, and Medic would run in and get their intelligence to secure a victory, all while Sniper provided backup fire.

"This plan's gonna be so awesome!" Scout whooped. "Let's do this!" Unfortunately, just as the REDs got into position, the BLUs came in through the sewer and ran off with their intelligence again. It was 2-2, at least one minute before the mission ended. The mercs decided just to rush them and steal the briefcase at any cost. The BLUs had the exact same idea, and it was a mad dash to kill the other team. A BLU Demoman shot an explosive that blew the RED Soldier to bits, but not before he shot a rocket that annihilated the BLU Scout. Amidst the chaos, both Spies of either team had snuck into each other's bases, backstabbed the Engineers, took the briefcases and ran onto the bridge. The Spies collided faces, which forced them to drop the briefcases, flying off their backs and into the water bellow. The fighting abruptly stopped as both sides saw their intelligence float to the bottom, ruining the contents inside.

The Administrator announced a Sudden Death Match, causing both sides to return to the Respawn rooms. After a little bit of waiting, the Administrator added one more thing.

"To make these Sudden Death matches more interesting," she said. "We are introducing a new kill factor in case you think you can hide out the onslaught. So therefore: **a Freak has entered the fray.**" At first, none of the mercs understood what was going on, but then, they heard the sound of shotguns clicking, and eerie music beginning to play….


	3. Chapter 3

**2Fort, BLU Base**

Those last words the Administrator said '_A Freak has entered the fray_' startled both teams to a huge extent. The sound of the shotguns clicking, the ominous music pouring from the speakers, and the haunting laugh of a Soldier would be enough to make even the hardiest of fighters shake in their boots. Although one question remained: What does she mean by 'freak'? All of the mercs in BLU base were huddled in the primary spawn room, none of them daring to go out. That is, until the Scout stepped forward.

"I'm not sittin' 'round here anymore while RED has a chance at our briefcase." Scout said. He pulled out his scattershot and proceeded to walk out the doors. Nobody dared to follow him, not even the Soldier. As Scout took a few steps outside, he saw a very frightened RED Soldier run across the balcony, clutching his shotgun tightly against his chest. The Scout ran up to the startled RED mercenary and shot him at point blank range. As the Soldier's body hit the floor, the music seemed to quiet down.

_Maybe whatever this 'freak' is, it's probably too scared to face me and my awesomeness. _Scout thought. He walked back to the Spawn room, where the others were slowly coming out of the room.

"Come on!" Scout shouted, impatiently. "We've gotta get the briefcase, now that they're one man down!" Without warning, Scout was tackled by a flash of red just as the music became loud and intense. He looked and saw a RED Soldier, much like the one he just killed. Although, his helmet was tilted back with his eyes visible, and had a very ravenous and insane gaze. The demented Soldier made a very wide, yet creepy smile, raised his arm (which made a clicking sound like a shotgun), and smashed Scout's head off with ease. He then proceeded to…

"He's eating him like he's bacon!" Engineer shouted, pointing at the cannibalistic Soldier feasting on his meal. When the Soldier looked up, his face smeared in blood, all of the other mercs screamed and ran throughout the building. During the panic, the Soldier pounced on the Pyro, ripping his arms off with a swift jerk of his neck. Viewing this on the catwalk were a RED Demoman and RED Spy, both with shocked looks on their faces.

"Maybe…" the drunken Scotsman said. "He won't kill us since we're on RED?" After he finished devouring the Pyro's corpse, he turned his gaze to the two RED mercs. He slid on his stomach (all while making shotgun clicks) towards the two men, all while keeping that horrific smile of his. Spy lowered his pistol and reached his hand out to the Soldier, hoping to try and make peace. Instead, the Soldier grabbed Spy's neck and hurled him against a wall, causing him to explode into limbs and flesh. Demoman ran like there was no tomorrow into the BLU Intelligence room. In there were a BLU Heavy, RED Scout, and BLU Engineer, all huddled together in fear.

"What in the name of the Alamo is that thing?!" Engineer sputtered.

"It's a freak-of-nature," Scout shouted. "That's what it is!" Heavy quieted them both as the sounds of shotgun clicks grew closer.

"When we see that Soldier," Heavy whispered. "We kill it until he is dead!" Everyone nodded in agreement, aiming their weapons at the doors. The music began to quiet down for a bit, just like before, and the shotgun clicks suddenly stopped. All of the mercs were frightened, unaware of what would happen next. The silence was instantly broken by the sound of the Soldier laughing. Demoman looked up and saw the murderous Soldier hanging above them, clinging to the ceiling.

"He's right bloody above us!" He screamed. He fired his grenade launcher at the freak, causing him to drop from the roof. There he lay, unmoving. The Engineer poked the still figure with his wrench.

"Is he dead?" He asked. As if to answer his question, the Soldier punched the Engineer's head off, pounced up, and glared angrily at the mercs.

"I think we just made him angry." Heavy said. The Soldier let out a blood-curdling scream, and burst into a bright red light. As the vision returned to the mercs eyes, they saw the Soldier had all of the sudden been given an Uber-Charge, without means of a Medic. He tackled the Heavy and Demoman, clawing at their chests, ripping their innards to shreds. As the Scout looked onward at the destruction by this insane soldier, all he could do was try and grab the briefcase and run. Just as he grabbed the handle, the Soldier grabbed his legs and growled ferociously at him. Scout could only look at the demonic entity in horror, when one thing escaped his mouth.

"What are you?!" He screamed. The Soldier's Self-Ubercharge deactivated as the unsettling smile returned to his face.

"I am Painis Cupcake." He said. "I will eat you!" After letting out a soft chuckle, the Scout screamed as his leg was torn off his torso. Just as the bloodstained face of Painis Cupcake loomed forward, a loud bell rang, and the music immediately halted.

"BLU team has won." Said the voice of the Administrator. Both Scout and Painis Cupcake looked up and saw the BLU Spy placing the RED briefcase on the table. The Spy pulled out a small paper and tossed it at Painis' face.

"Here is you're check, _monsieur."_ The Spy joked. "Now get out!" After letting out a low growl, Painis slid on his stomach up the walls and into an open vent, disappearing out of 2Fort. Scout had never been more happy to be alive in his entire life.

"Thanks, Frenchy." Scout said. He held his hand as the Spy picked him up onto his single foot.

"Yes, but this will be the last time you see me." Spy said. Before the Scout could say 'what', Spy shot Scout dead in the face, thus killing all of the RED mercs and finishing the mission. It had been a very tough and shocking day, but it would not be the last time they saw the freaks.

* * *

Freak-Saurus: Painis Cupcake

Painis Cupcake is a RED Soldier Freak, created by YouTuber RubberFruit. One of the first known Freaks, Painis Cupcake's history is shrouded in mystery. He is an aggressive Freak, with a ravenous appetite by eating any living creature around. His strength is nearly unrivaled, being able to lift anything larger than himself and able to jump to incredible heights. Painis' speed is faster than most Freaks, able to outrun even a bullet. When enraged, Painis Cupcake can temporarily make himself invincible. Painis Cupcake's only known weaknesses are that he is oblivious to most around him, being easy to sneak up on. In addition, he is incredibly boastful of his abilities, causing him to fall victim to stronger Freaks. He can be avoided just by listening to the shotgun clicks he makes with every movement.


	4. Chapter 4

**RED Barracks**

After that frightening moment of being attacked by that Freak Soldier, Painis Cupcake, all of the RED mercs decided to meet in the barracks to decide on what to do if more of these Freaks start appearing in the middle of missions, even outside of Sudden Death.

"I say _ve_ try and capture _vone_ of those Freaks," Medic offered. "_Und_ use them as our secret _vepone_ against _ze_ BLUs!" Heavy shook his head.

"If any of those Freaks are like that Soldier," He said. "We would be dead in 12 seconds." After finishing up with a little targeting practice on the wooden cutouts, the Sniper joined in on the conversation.

"I say we try and figure out how to kill the buggers." Sniper said. "Everything's got a weakness, so what's to say that bloody freakshow doesn't?"

"When he was about to throw me against the wall," Spy said. "He seemed a little oblivious of the situation at hand before I offered peace."

"But when I blew him up," Demoman said, after downing another beer bottle. "It didn't do anything to him, and just made him angry."

"And regular bullets don't do any good." Said Engineer, who was making adjustments on his wrench. "I placed a sentry when the Freak attacked, and the bullets bounced off him like he was Saxton Hale or something." As all the other mercenaries nodded in agreement, they hadn't notice Scout enter the room, grunting to himself, all except Soldier.

"What are you lookin' at, hard hat?!" Scout shouted.

"Son, you're the luckiest among us," Soldier said. "Being that you're the only survivor of that brutal onslaught. I wasn't even killed by that Cupcake freak!"

"It's not that I'm pissed about, Soldier." Scout grunted.

"It's that backstabber who shot you after Sudden Death, isn't it?"

"No, although I'm gonna cave his skull in next mission for that."

"Then what the hell are you so mad about, cadet?!" Scout held out a soda can of Atomic BONK right in front of the Soldier's face.

"Somebody drank almost all the BONK, and left this one half empty!" Soldier lifted up his helmet to give Scout a very stern look.

"If that's what you're so upset about, I should have you run laps on your hands!" He snatched the soda out of Scout's hands and placed it on the bench next to him. Meanwhile, back at the shooting gallery, Sniper had just blown the head clean off a Demoman standee. However, he had to do a double take because he could have sworn one of the Medic cutouts moved.

"Pyro, if you're playin' games with me again," Sniper growled. "I'll shoot you right in the gas tank and you'll be the first man… woman… thing… on the moon without a rocket!"

"Mmph mmph mmmmph mmph!" Mumbled Pyro. Sniper turned his head to see Pyro standing right behind him, as well as everyone else. If someone wasn't moving the targets, could that possibly mean…

"That target just moved!" Shouted Engineer, pointing at the targets. Sniper turned his head and, sure enough, saw a Medic target hopping around. After recovering from a moment of shock, Sniper aimed his rifle at the ground and shot it right where the cutout was standing.

"MeeM!" it shouted.

"It's alive!" screamed Medic. As if on command, more of the cutouts began to move, most of them Medic cutouts. They began swarming the barracks, like locust on a summer harvest.

"It's more of those Freaks again!" Shouted Scout. He grabbed his pistol and began firing wildly at the living cutouts. All of the other mercs grabbed their weapons and began to do what they initially came to do in the first place, take down targets.

"MeeM!" the cutouts screamed, as they began to scatter around the room. While most were roasted by Pyro's flamethrower, the rest were mowed down by Heavy's Gatling gun. Spy and Sniper stood back to back, chopping down the cutouts with a flurry of butterfly knives and kukiri blades. Soldier gracefully rocket jumped through crowds of cutouts, sending chips of wood through the air. Scout pitched his baseball into the face of several targets, all bouncing wildly from each target until returning to Scout's hand. Engineer, Demoman, and Medic were backed into a corner while the Sentry held as many cutouts closed it. Although, the more that perished, the more reinforced the fight. It seemed like the battle would end very soon. That is, until a high pitched whine halted the cutouts in their tracks. The doors swung open, and out stepped Miss Pauling, the Administrator's assistant.

"Alright," she said. "All of you MeeM's go out through these doors and we'll take you home. These are not your forests." Following this order, the surviving targets hopped out the room, down to the last Medic cutout. While all the mercs stood dumbstruck, Miss Pauling walked over to the bench where Soldier put the can of BONK.

"Ay!" Demoman shouted. "What just happened?!"

"Those targets you just had a little problem with, a breed of Freak we like to call 'MeeMs', broke containment a few hours ago along with several others. Another, slightly more dangerous Freak is in here as well." Miss Pauling picked up the BONK can, and hurled it into a locker.

"What the hell!" Scout shouted. "That's my drink!" However, the can tumbled to the ground and stood upright as if it were magnetic.

"You can come out now." She said. While everyone thought that the assistant went off her rocker, the thought was abruptly gone when something stuck out of the can. It was the head of… a Scout. He had a very un-amused look on his face.

"I was takin' a nap in here!" He shouted. As the Scout (wearing dark blue t-shirt), slithered out of the can, the RED mercs jaws dropped further and further onto the floor.

"Introduce yourself." Miss Pauling said. She was absolutely unfazed by the fact a BLU Scout just crawled out of a soda can. He slid on the floor (a lot like Painis Cupcake did) and stood up right in front of the Pyro.

"I am Ass Pancakes!" He said with a smug grin. "I am gonna BONK you!"

"Mmph!" mumbled Pyro. He stuck his middle finger right in Pancakes' face. Out of nowhere, he pulled out a large colorful hammer and held it in the air. His face distorted as he let out an ear-bleeding scream, and swung his hammer onto Pyro's head. His head exploded into tiny meat-chunks, splattering on the floor. Pancakes continued screaming as he pounded Pyro's corpse into a bloody… well pancake.

"Down, Pancakes!" Miss Pauling barked at the deranged soda Scout. Like an obedient guard hound, Pancakes stopped attacking the dead Pyro, put his hammer away, and his face contorted to normal. Miss Pauling held out the soda can he came from and shook it.

"Get back in the can and I'll take you home." Pancakes let out a little chuckle as he arched back and prepared for a leap. Miss Pauling put the can on the ground as he leaped into the air and dove right into the can with relative ease. "Don't worry about the mess, the Pyro will be brought back." As all the mercs all stood, dumbstruck, at the prowess of this hammer-wielding Freak.

"Where are you going to?" Spy asked just as Miss Pauling opened the door.

"To bring Pancakes and the MeeMs back to containment, and then I have to see the Administrator about restraining the Freaks." Just as Miss Pauling stepped out the door, she stuck her head in and said one final thing. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but the next Freak you'll be facing won't be during Sudden Death, and also he looks abnormal." As the door slammed shut, all the mercenaries stood in silence. Hearing the news of another Freak, possibly more dangerous than Painis Cupcake or Ass Pancakes, not appearing in Sudden Death, is a frightening notion indeed.

* * *

Freak-Saurus: MeeM

MeeMs are a Freak species, created by Youtuber OluapPlauer. MeeMs are wooden targets of all of the mercenaries, each with different behaviors depending on the type. They act as wild animals, living in MeeM Forests. Most are passive unless provoked. Most prominent weakness: FIRE. They're made of wood.

Ass Pancakes

Ass Pancakes is a BLU Scout Freak, created by Youtuber TheInvertedShadow. Ass Pancakes lives in a BONK! can, and almost completely mimics the behavior of Painis Cupcake. He only leaves the can to attack hapless victims, or simply greet himself. His introduction is "I am Ass Pancakes, and I am gonna BONK you!". Depending on how the response is, Pancakes will either brutally murder the person with his trademark _Hammer of Zillyhoo_, or befriend them. His weakness: He's very cocky because of his similarities to Cupcake, prone to taking on Freaks stronger than he is.


	5. Chapter 5

**BLU Barracks**

Things were a little bit different at BLU base than the mayhem at RED base. Instead of a mixture of fear and distraught, there was a blend of confusion and festivities. Most of the mercenaries were gathered around a table where Spy was sitting, while the latter told of how he survived.

"It was simple, really." Scoffed Spy as he puffed out a cloud of smoke. "I used my Dead Ringer watch to feign death by a RED Sniper. The Painis freak had seen me die, so he assumed I was already dead. While he ran to clear out survivors, I snuck into the emptied RED base's intelligence room, stole the briefcase, and snuck back into BLU base unnoticed." A rupture of applause echoed the room, but it was immediately halted when the Sniper ran into the room, holding some files in his hands.

"Take a look at what I just received from one of the Administrator's television men!" He franticly sputtered, tossing the file onto the table, spilling the contents everywhere. Engineer picked up an envelope and read the letter inside.

"_For winning the first ever Freak included battle, I, the Administrator, have been told to send you this information regarding our project, in addition to…"_

"Hey, this is a list of all of the possible Freaks!" Scout said, snatching one of the papers from the file. "There are over 300 names on here!" Engineer let out a low growl.

"Son, you're lucky I don't blow that dumb lit off of your head for interrupting me." He continued reading the letter. "-_In addition to all of the registered Freaks, and some listed weaknesses. May it serve you well in future missions, as more Freaks are injected into battle. P.S: Due to unforeseen circumstances, several Freaks have broken containment and are running loose. Do not kill these Freaks unless deemed necessary."_ A quiet hush fell over the room over this news. Freaks on the run? That's bad news.

"We can easily handle those free Freaks," Scout said. "Especially with the names of some of these bozos: _Fadkiller_,_ Dic Soupcan, Medizard,_ and hell, there's a guy named freakin' _GAYPENIS_!" Scout began laughing at these bizarre names.

"Painis Cupcake is strange name," Heavy muttered. "And we know how dangerous he is!" There was a sudden knocking on the door. All of the mercs froze in place.

"Mmph mmph mmmmph." Pyro mumbled. He stepped forward and slowly opened the door. If anyone could see what lay behind that gasmask of Pyro's, they could see gaping wide eyes, and they would too when they saw what he… she… it… saw. Beyond the door were several Spies, all a mixture of RED and BLU, and all crouching in a crab-like pose with their disguise kits over their heads. Demoman joined the Pyro at the door, his single eye bulging from his head in shock.

"Ay, Scout," Demoman called. "What does that list say about Spies that look like crabs?" Scout began to scan the list in the 'S' section.

"Seeman, Slender Mann, Spyper, Snyphurr, Spyder… Spycrabs!" He narrowed down the list until coming to a picture of a Spy standing in a crab-like position. Medic snatched the list out of Scout's hands and read it over.

"Spycrabs are a migratory species of Spy-freaks." He read. "_Zey_ travel in packs to new locations to thrive _und_ populate. They are non-hostile, behaving like _ze_ crabs, but will attack if provoked." He tossed the paper on the table. "_Vell _comrades,_ ve_ should just let _zem_ go." As if the Medic ordered them to, the Spycrabs began to scuttle across the floors and swarm the room, standing atop random objects and wandering around. It was all good and peaceful until…

"Spy sappin' my sentry!" Engineer shouted. Sure enough, some of the Spycrabs were placing sappers on the Engineer's buildings. Just as he ran over to smack the sappers off with his wrench, the Spycrabs reacted. The disguise kits in their hands had transformed into knives, poised over the Texan's head, waiting for the preemptive moment to strike. Engineer backed off, and so did the Spycrabs.

"Get off!" Heavy shouted. One of the Spycrabs was sitting on his head, and would not let go. "It is like unwanted hat! Get off!"

"Hold still!" Sniper said, his rifle poised to kill. Heavy tried to remain calm, but the thought of a Spy/crab hybrid Freak sitting on his head was unnerving. Sniper fired a single round into the Spycrab's head, and it slumped to the floor dead. All the Spycrabs turned towards Sniper, their eyes normally calm and collective now filled with shock and hatred. Looks like Sniper stirred the hive. The Spycrabs exchanged their disguise kits for knives, let out a loud scream, and went into a full on frenzy. They began scuttling amok, like furious crabs, wildly stabbing at the air. The mercs panicked and gathered in a large cluster, randomly firing at the swarm of Spycrabs. Most fell prey to Heavy's minigun and Pyro's flamethrower, but they were on full onslaught, showing no signs of weakness of fatigue. Just as the Spycrabs clambered over the mercs, ready to kill, a high pitched beeping caused the Spycrabs to stop and look at the door.

There stood Miss Pauling, holding a megaphone and a small revolver.

"All Spycrabs leave the barracks immediately." Miss Pauling said through the megaphone. "We will take you to your breeding grounds if you halt all attacks on BLU." The Spycrabs became calm once again, and those that survived the onslaught scuttled out the door, leaving the dumbstruck mercenaries… well, dumbstruck.

"Thanks for the help, Miss Pauling." Soldier said, giving a salute. "We'd never encountered these Freaks before, but they were worthy adversaries."

"They're a Freak Species that was created by pure accident." Miss Pauling said. "They broke containment after your last mission…"

"Yeah, yeah!" Scout said. "We got that in the file you sent us." Miss Pauling had a very confused look on her face.

"We didn't send any information on the Freaks." She walked over to the table where the papers lay. "What does it say?" Soldier began to explain the letter received from the Television Man, all the information, and the list of the Freaks, all the way up to the Spycrab attack. Miss Pauling tapped her chin, as if in deep thought.

"Do y'all have any idea who sent the files then," Engineer asked. "And why they used the Administrator's name?"

"It could be for…" Miss Pauling looked around, her eyes darting across the room. "A prank." Another knocking on the door occurred, but everyone was reluctant to answer it.

"Is that another Freak?" Scout asked. Miss Pauling gave a nervous nod.

"When the door opens," She said. "Heavy, I want you to run up and grab him, and be careful." Heavy nodded and walked to the edge of the door. "Spy, go and answer it." Spy shrugged his shoulders and reluctantly walked to the door.

"_Bonjour?_" He asked. Standing in the doorway was a RED Scout, although he was absolutely filthy and was wearing a Ghastly Guibus.

"You got anything for me, Spy?" The Scout asked, with a pitiable face. "Hats, accessories, or cash?"

"Now!" Miss Pauling shouted. Heavy yelled and grabbed the RED Scout by the collar of his shirt. He struggled in the Russian's grip, but with no avail. Miss Pauling walked up to the Scout and gave him a stern look.

"I figured you broke containment just to do your dirty pranks," She said. "Magic Mann." The Scout smirked, and snapped his fingers. In a burst of smoke, the Scout's appearance changed. He was wearing an elf's cap, an Egyptian Ankh, had pointed ears, and a wide grin.

"Got me all figured out, didn't ya, babe?" Magic Mann said.

"Little Scout is magic man?" Heavy asked.

"**The** Magic Mann, big guy." Magic Mann said.

"He's a Freak prankster." Miss Pauling said. "He disguises himself as a beggar, waiting for people to give him something. If someone does, he'd pull several mean pranks on the hapless victim either to death, exhaustion, or insanity. I still feel sorry about what happened to that one Demoman Freak…."

"Did the magic come from Merasmus?" Soldier asked.

"No, your old roommate wasn't involved."

"Hey, he gave me a beret! That deserves punishment!" Magic Mann grunted. Soldier ran up and smacked the Elf Freak with his shovel.

"And what's so wrong with berets, Freak?" Soldier growled. "I was in the Green Berets!"

"I though all of the American militia rejected you." Spy snidely added. Soldier growled again, before walking away. Miss Pauling pulled out some handcuffs and put them on Magic Mann.

"These cuffs will restrict your magic," Miss Pauling said. "So you can't teleport out of here." Heavy let go of Magic Mann, the latter being taken into custody by Miss Pauling.

"Hey, if you're gonna be all touchy on me, let me buy ya dinner first!" Magic Mann joked.

"The only place you're going is back to containment." Miss Pauling said, carting the Freak out of the room. "Good luck on your next mission, tomorrow!" As the doors slammed, all the mercenaries looked at each other. If any of the other Freaks they'd fight were anything like Painis Cupcake, Magic Mann, or the Spycrabs, what would the much more dangerous Freaks be like?

* * *

Freak-Saurus

Spycrab

Spycrabs are a Freak species, created as a Team Fortress community add-on. Spycrabs are Spies of varying colors, standing in a crouched position with their arms above their head in a crab-like position, disguise kits in hand. They're a migratory species, constantly traveling across the maps. Spycrabs are a primarily passive species, but will resort to violence if provoked.

Magic Mann

Magic Mann is an insane RED Elf Scout, created by Youtuber OluapPlayer. He has unbelievable magical abilities that can be used to benefit himself or harm others. Magic Mann takes on the disguise of a dirty, homeless RED Scout in order to lure in victims. If a person nearby helps him, Magic Mann will reveal himself and begin playing pranks on his benefactor: Ranging from faking out rewards to downright harming them. Magic Mann is incredibly fearless, but that can lead to his downfall. Another fault is that he never kills his victims, but only tortures them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Dustbowl, First Stage**

After that whole fiasco with the cutouts, or MeeM as they were called, RED Team was going to do its best to win the mission, Freak or no. Everything was set in place. Demoman rigged the door with sticky bombs, Heavy and Medic were planted in the canyon for any of the BLUs to try and gun it, Sniper was hiding on the cliff edge, not taking his eyes off the door for a second, Pyro sat in the old shed, camping out until he… she… it could roast things, Soldier was on the shed directly above, providing backup for Spy, Scout was goofing around with his baseball, and Engineer was saddled in the back next to a Level-3 Sentry and Dispenser. This plan would not fail.

"Mission begins in thirty seconds." The Administrator's voice echoed throughout the canyon.

"Once those doors open," Spy said. "It'll be hell on Earth. Good luck, Soldier."

"Understood. Those maggots won't know what hit them." Soldier said, loading his rocket launcher, a newly received Direct Hit from Mann Co.

"Mission begins in twenty seconds." The clock was ticking.

"There can be only one!" Demoman shouted, swinging his Eyelander in the air. Within the BLU spawn location, the teams were prepped for battle.

"Mission begins in ten seconds."

"I'm fully charged!" Both teams Medics shouted.

"Five… four… three… two…"

"Hit charge!" Heavy said. Medic flipped a switch on his Medigun, which created a bright red glow around him and Heavy. Their bodies hardened like diamond, changing to a solid red color and their eyes glowed a bright yellow.

"One!" Sirens wailed as the doors open and the onslaught of battle began. The BLU Heavy and Medic weren't fast enough to activate their Ubercharge, and they were blown to smithereens by the Soldier. A BLU Spy snuck behind Soldier, but his head was blown clean off his shoulders. Soldier turned and gave Sniper a thumbs up, and the latter waving in return. Pyro was madly chasing a BLU Scout around, firing wildly with his Flaregun trying to his the fast little guy. Heavy charged headfirst into a frightened BLU Pyro, knocking his fire axe out of the way and using his fists to cave his skull in. After Heavy bashed the Pyro's head to bits, he saw that a BLU Soldier and Demoman run inside the capture point.

"The Eagle and the Drunk have landed!" He signaled. Just as Demoman took the head off a BLU Engineer, he reached for his sticky-bomb launcher and hit the detonator.

"Ka-BOOM!" Demoman roared, accompanying the following explosion. The room was filled with a burst of fire, and the luckless BLUs trapped within were reduced to nothing but a pile of limbs and meat. "They're gonna have to glue you back together, IN HELL!" The battle was going very well, in REDs favor. The mercs had a huge advantage, and the BLUs were unable to fight back. That is until….

"Alert! A Freak has entered the fray." The Administrator said through the speakers.

"Aw, damn it!" Scout shouted. "Not now!" Sniper looked through his lens to scan for any abnormal looking mercenaries, but saw nothing.

"HI!" Shouted a Russian voice. Sniper almost leaped out of his socks when Heavy startled him. He turned to browbeat him, but noticed something was off about this Heavy Weapons Guy. He was RED, but his limbs were slightly outstretched and were very slender, as if all the fat and muscle was removed. His face bore a weird smirk, accompanied by a small cigarette in his mouth and a pair of Summer Shades on his head.

"Are you the bloody Freak?" Sniper asked. The Heavy leaned forward and let out a strange laugh.

"I am Stu Pidface!" He said. "And my fists!" The Heavy brought up his fists level to Sniper's face. "They are made of flesh!" Sniper raised an eyebrow, confused that they would create a Freak like this. He turned and gave a signal to the other REDs.

"I found the Freak!" He shouted. "He looks harmless."

"So did Painis Cupcake!" Scout shouted. "Shoot him in the moneymaker!" Sniper shrugged his shoulders and raised his kukiri above his head ready to strike.

"NO!" Stu said. Sniper brought the blade down on his head, but instead he was giving him a slap to the face with a hunk of bologna. Sniper looked at the bologna in his hand, confused on how it got there and where his kukiri went. "BOLOGNA! It is tasty!" Stu grabbed the meat from Sniper's hand and stuffed it down his throat in one go.

"Erm… Piss." Sniper said. He leaped of his cliff edge when he noticed the BLUs mobilizing. He turned to Stu, and figured he'd leave him alone. He definitely was harmless, even if able to screw the laws of physics and reality. He sat next to Scout and Soldier, hiding behind the control point building.

"How's the new Freak?" Scout asked.

"I'd say a bit wonky." Sniper whispered. "Turned my blade into meat and ate it."

"But was he menacing?" Soldier whispered. "Did he try killing you and stuff your head up your ass?"

"Naw, mate. He just seemed… friendly."

"I like to whisper too." Stu said. Sniper, Scout, Soldier jumped as they noticed Stu Pidface sitting above them on the wall. Not only on the wall, but flat against it as if it were the floor.

"That Freak just gave me a heart attack!" Scout shrieked. Stu only waved and sipped a martini glass which spontaneously appeared in his hand. Soldier leaned onto the door and could hear the BLUs mobilizing in the room. The control point activated and began to transition from a RED Point to a BLU one.

"Alert, the enemy is capturing our control point." The Administrator announced. Soldier peeped his head in the room and saw a BLU Scout, Pyro, and Spy huddled in the room, standing atop the control point. He took his head out and looked at Stu Pidface, who was still sitting on the wall and staring at a penguin doll. A smile spread across Soldier's face, and he turned to face his comrades in arms.

"Boys, I've got a plan, since this Freak seems to like us." Soldier said.

"How do we get the lard fat…?" Scout began before remembering how Stu looked like skin and bones. "I mean bone bag…."

"He said his name was Stu Pidface." Sniper said. "And I don't know how to get him in there." Time was running out, so Scout shouted one thing that came to his mind.

"Sandwich in the control point!" Scout shouted. Stu's face widened to an even bigger smile, dropping the cigarette he was smoking.

"**SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDVICH!**" Stu shouted. He leaped off the wall, fell onto his face, and slid on his stomach into the room. What happened inside is as follows:

The BLUs are confused about Stu Pidface. The BLU Scout tossed a baseball into Stu's mouth, which turned into a potato and was eaten. Stu's mouth turned into a minigun head and shot out French fries which shredded the Scout to bits. Onto the BLU Spy, Stu merely slapped his butt and called him a 'baby spy princess'. Before the BLU Spy could deliver one of his trademark insults, Stu jammed several Ullapool Cabers into his mouth, proclaiming 'Mentlegen'. The BLU Spy sat ever still so not to trigger the explosive batons in his mouth, but the BLU Pyro was the only remaining victim of the Heavy Freak's reality bending attacks. For this, Stu turned around, bent forward, stood near the Pyro's flamethrower, and an explosion resulted later. After the smoke cleared, the REDs looked in and saw Stu Pidface happily eating his sandwich.

"And that, boys," Soldier said, with a smirk. "Is how to clear a room in style." Sniper began applauding Soldier, while Scout only looked at him in shock.

"That plan was genius!" Scout said, dumbstruck. "How did someone like you come up with it?!" Soldier stood in front of Scout, lifting up his helmet to give a full glare to him.

"Who's the idiot now, private?" Soldier let out a hardy laugh. "As I am clearly the better strategy-person, you shall promote me to team mother, and Lord High Raggamuffin." Sniper stopped clapping and gave an irritated look to Soldier.

"Not push your luck, mate." Sniper glared. "We've still got a mission to complete."

"Yeah, let's waste 'em!" Scout shouted, tossing a baseball in the air. Just as the three mercs got settled in, everyone was blown to bits by a stray bomb. Stu looked out and gasped at his friends dead.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Stu cried out to the heavens. He turned and saw the BLU Demoman, laughing and tossing a beer bottle in the air.

"When you meet the devil, tell him I'm coming for him next!" The BLU Scotsman shouted. That had to have been the worst move ever. The bright and joyful nature of Stu Pidface vanished, and he became angry. Very angry. Stu turned to the Demoman, and charged him. The poor sod could only look onward and scream.

**Administrator's Security Room**

All of the screens were abuzz with the images of the Dustbowl missions. The Administrator puffed a big cloud of smoke before putting out her cigarette just as the Heavy Freak attacked the BLU Demoman.

"Very interesting behavior." She said. "The Freak has decided to fully ally himself with those REDs that were killed by the BLU Demoman." Miss Pauling entered the room, carrying a large stack of paper into the room. She glanced at the computers, seeing Stu Pidface pummeling a BLU Demoman with… a control point.

"He looks furious." Miss Pauling said. "I thought Stu Pidface was just a happy-go-lucky nut bar."

"Even the most innocent of creatures become aggressive when startled." The Administrator said, lighting another cigarette. "But the fact that this Freak has allied himself with a team still stands. Several of the Freaks with his caliber of power don't care who they attack and ignore such trivial matters as…" She felt herself want to vomit at this last word. "Friendship…."

"Maybe this is a sign that we've good Freaks as well as bad. They could be used in the less lethal missions and some could be aid for the mercenaries."

"Off the battlefield, maybe." The Administrator got off her chair and examined a file tossed aside on a nearby table. "But during a mission, it is imperative that no team is to have a Freak on their side."

"But Stu Pidface chose to ally with the REDs," Miss Pauling interjected. "How do we fix that?" The Administrator grinned and activated a switch on the intercom.

"Send in Freak #2852010 to Dustbowl." A male voice replied with a prompt yes and the Administrator gave a mischievous glare at her assistant.

"You sent in _him_?! He's uncontrollable! We nearly lost fifty guards trying to contain him after the breach!" The Administrator only turned back to the computer, puffing a cloud of smoke. She connected her headset to the computers and proclaimed an announcement to RED and BLU.

"Another Freak has entered the fray."

* * *

Freak-Saurus

Stu Pidface

Stu Pidface is a RED Heavy Freak, created by Youtuber LEtheCreator. Stu takes the appearance of a deformed Heavy, being slimmer and his limbs slightly outstretched. He usually wears Summer Shades and occasionally smokes a cigarette. Stu Pidface, quite literally, has the ability to give the laws of physics and reality the middle finger. His abilities are limitless and almost without reason. His dialogue, which also accompanies his erratic attacks, is random and insane. Stu might be, in theory, the most powerful Freak in existence if his incompetence is ignored. Stu also has the ability to cheat death, granted how many timed he has died.


	7. Chapter 7

**Dustbowl, First Stage**

Upon dealing with the madness that gave the rules of reality the bird, BLU Team used this chance as a distraction to capture the first control point, but now they had the RED Team setting up a tight control on the last point. And with that Freak, Stu Pidface, siding with the enemy, things were looking bleak. That's when the Administrator made the announcement.

"Another Freak has entered the fray." She droned. Great. Now they've got TWO damn Freaks to worry about. The BLUs met at the recently captured point in order to discuss battle strategy, or in actual terms, ready to wet themselves in panic.

"We are screwed!" Scout said, shakily. "Who knows what this Freak's gonna be like? Maybe he'll possess us or turn our heads into bombs!"

"What can this new Freak do that my old roommate, Merasmus, can't?" Soldier said.

"Next time I see that old git," Demoman growled. "I'll rip his eyes out of his skull, just like that bloody book did mine!"

"Forget about your eye theft for now, mate." Sniper warned. He knocked an arrow on his Huntsman and aimed it at the door.

"I miss me eye…." Demoman sobbed.

"We're being watched." Spy stated. The BLUs gathered around each other in a tight cluster, protecting one another from the hidden foe. Everyone kept a close eye on the door, making sure nobody would come through. Anyone who did try would get a face full of lead.

"What's up?!" Shouted a Sniper. The mercs looked up and saw a peculiar-looking Sniper hanging by his feet from the rafters. He was wearing a completely black outfit, had a black beard, and biohazard symbols in place of his class logo. Upon waving at the frightened mercs, the Sniper's feet gave away and he fell onto the ground, crushing the Engineer and killing him.

"Zat iz our Freak, no?" Said Medic. He was gradually healing Heavy, who was wounded during the first attack, but was more worried about his own safety.

"I'm the Christian Brutal Sniper." The Sniper Freak said. Out of nowhere, Christian Brutal Sniper had held in his hand the Tribalman's Shiv, a special kukiri blade, and made a maddened grin. "Now, ya ready to meet 'Sharpy'?" CBS grabbed Scout by his shirt collar, the blade inches away from his throat. Scout's scream was accompanied by an insane laugh, but before his head would tumble away, CBS released the poor boy and stabbed his blade into the ground.

"I regret everything!" Scout blubbered. "I regret everything I've ever done!"

"Hold up," CBS sneered. "I gotta do this right, mates." The deranged Sniper walked over to a nearby radio (which no one questioned how it got there) and popped in a disc. Seconds later, swinger music played, in which CBS began to dance to it.

"Well, I don't think we're gonna have a lot more pro…" Scout began to say. However, his entire head was splattered against a wall by CBS, wielding a large sledgehammer. Once again giving an insane laugh, Christian Brutal Sniper unsheathed a Sharpened Volcano Fragment and began to butcher Scout's corpse like a piece of beef.

"Stab, stab, stab." He said, as blood sprayed everywhere. The BLUs, after witnessing this insane attack, used this opportunity to act like extras in a Godzilla movie and run. Amidst the chaos, a RED Spy uncloaked in the bloodshed, looking at the mad Sniper at work, and also at his now dirty suit.

"You got blood on my…" Started the RED Spy.

"AWW, did I get _blood_ on your suit?!" CBS snarled, delivering another hack at the dismembered Scout. Before he could become the next victim, the Spy had to think of something fast.

"No." He deadpanned. CBS gave a wicked laughter as more blood sprayed the walls. Although the RED Spy was curious as to why this deranged Australian wasn't trying to turn him into butchered ham, he still needed to alert the REDs. After quickly activating his Invis watch, the RED Spy quickly fled the scene. Back at the Capture Point that the REDs still controlled, it was nothing but explosions and gunshots. The REDs had _quickly_ put up a well put defense, involving Sticky Bombs on the walls and a Level-3 Sentry guarding the doorway. And to make matters worse, Stu Pidface was still on the REDs side, utilizing his random reality bending powers.

Demoman could barely dodge a rocket before ducking inside a mineshaft. Next to him were Heavy and Medic, both trying to recover from vicious burns by the RED Pyro.

"Anybody have a plan?" Demoman asked.

"I'm almost fully charged." Medic said, tapping the barrel of his Medigun. "When _zis iz_ ready, _ze_ Heavy _und _I will attack."

"Dah, this will work," Heavy said, munching on a Buffalo Steak Sandwich.

"You really sure about that, mates?" Said a Sniper. The trio turned and saw Christian Brutal Sniper standing behind them, clutching a scimitar and three daggers in his hands. Demoman held his Eyelander at neck's length with CBS, while Heavy spun his minigun as Medic healed him.

"We won't go down fightin' lad!" Demoman said. "That's the Degroot way!" CBS looked at the BLUs, merely laughing.

"Relax, meat." He chuckled. "I ain't here to kill you. Just to turn the tide." A Christmas ornament flew past CBS' head, narrowly missing. A RED Scout, clutching wrapping paper and another ornament, stood in against the wall in a brave attempt to kill the Freak and BLUs.

"You ready to go, chuckle-nuts?" The RED Scout chided. His brave demeanor was cut short when two knives were embedded in his hands, pinning him against the wooden wall. CBS casually walked to the Scout, glaring at him with devilish eyes. He held the third knife, and used it to cut his throat open and pin his feet together, leaving the Boston batter in a sadistic cross position.

"So _zat's vhy zey _call you Christian Brutal Sniper." Medic said, non-challantly. CBS walked away from his handiwork, placing the scimitar into an unknown pocket.

"Like I said, I'm not going to kill you." CBS droned. "The Administrator sent me here to deal with the Freak who broke protocol."

"Freaks have rules?" Heavy asked.

"Programmed into our heads. We follow the orders until the mission ends, do not take sides, and show no mercy. Although, some of the Freaks fail to follow these rules."

"We heard 'boot the escaped ones." Demoman said.

"Yeah, I may or may not have been one of them." CBS chuckled. "Don't know who started it though. Probably one of the Chaotic Evil ones."

"Like Painis Cupcake, that Soldier?" Heavy asked, again.

"Nah, stronger. And more evil." A bullet wizzed by Heavy's head, reminding them that a battle was still going on. "Right, you blokes are supposed to do your mission, capture the points, and win. Stu's going to be a problem, especially is he broke protocol by taking sides. I'm here to kill him for doing so."

"So, it is 'Freak fight', then." Heavy stated, finishing off another sandwich.

"Exactly, Heavy. Tell the rest of your mates to not bother with us, and just focus on the mission." Christian Brutal walked over to where the crucified RED Scout was, ripping the wood out of the wall in the exact same pattern as a crucifix, and rested it on his shoulder. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to send a message." CBS sprinted full speed out the door, while the BLUs scrambled to alert their team. As for the REDs who just respawned, the doors opened, greeting them with the gruesome sight of a bloodied RED Scout, impaled to an upside-down crucifix jutting out of the ground, a note written in blood nailed to his chest. The RED Engineer removed the note, and read it out loud to the rest of his team.

_Do not interfere, or else the rest of your team will have their blood used to paint Redmond Mann's manor._

The RED Scout, whose body still pinned to the cross, respawned, gawking at his own mangled corpse.

"That's just freakin' disrespectful." He snorted.

* * *

Freak-Saurus: Christian Brutal Sniper

Christian Brutal Sniper (CBS) is a Sniper Freak, created by YouTuber Kekas vas Normandy. CBS is a homicidal murderer, notable for hanging on off-screen objects, dropping on people below him, and butchering his victims one at a time. CBS has a seemingly limitless array of weapons he uses to mutilate with, even able to combine two different weapons on the fly. Although his weapons are primarily close-ranged, CBS also has an Arrow Bazooka for distance situations. Always accompanying the murderous Sniper is a RED Spy, who always seems to get blood on his suit from CBS's insane chopping. CBS has two looks, one of a RED Sniper, and another of a black outfit, complete with a full beard and biohazard symbols over his class images. CBS is considerably powerful, but his focus on the slaughter and his physique matching that of the average Sniper, anyone who can catch him off guard can easily kill this Freak. CBS is notably the most terrifying "near normal" Freak of the bunch.


End file.
